you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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