dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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