It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
