yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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