Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
