you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
