I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
