I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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