I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
