I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
