your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
