New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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