The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
