The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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