I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
