I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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