I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
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I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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