you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
