only you would photoshop your dick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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