Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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