dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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