i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
