I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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