I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
