did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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