Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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