Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
