my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
