apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
