I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
