Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
