brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
