I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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