I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
