I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Randomize
