i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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