before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
