I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
