im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
