worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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