Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
