I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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