I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my being single is dangerous.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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