you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
