I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
