If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
