Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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