there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
