I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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