Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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