HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
