he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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