I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
