Where did you get a picture of my penis
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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