News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside