Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.