swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
