my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
