Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
