Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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