He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
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So gin and wine won't be happening again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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