What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
